When I was growing up a writer for the Baltimore Sun named John Einsenberg used to (he may still) write an article titled ''Fact/Opinion''. This is a complete rip off of that.
Fact: As I mentioned in my last blog I saw a woman's nipples on stage a couple of weeks back. Here is an actual picture from that night.
Opinion: It was disgusting.
Fact: The last two performances I have given were at Aroma last Sunday and Rendezvous on Wednesday.
Opinion: They were easily the worst performances I've given in more than 4 months. Granted there weren't many people in the audience, but I can feel myself not giving my best effort. The audience deserves better. Jon Mumma went on before me at Aroma and made the absolute best of the situation. He committed and I didn't. I need to be more professional about it.
Fact: I'm in the Drafthouse Comedy Challenge next Wednesday at the Arlington Cinema 'N' Drafthouse.
Opinion: I hate competitions. I finished 2nd in the ''Funniest person in Baltimore'' last year, and 3rd in the ''DC Showcase'' this year and felt no sense of satisfaction either time. I know there are people funnier than me, but it feels bad to lose, especially so publicly in such a small community.
Fact: Larry Poon was wearing an orange velour sweatsuit at Aroma last Sunday.
Opinion: Larry Poon is friggin' hilarious. I feel the same way about him as I feel about ''The Big Lebowski''. I use him as the measuring stick to determine whether or not you have a good sense of humor. No one watches ''The Big Lebowski'' and says, ''Eh, it was okay''. It is either loved or hated. If you don't laugh at Larry Poon, rest assured, you have a piss-poor sense of humor.
Fact: Went to Jiffy Lube Friday to get an oil change. I was over 7000 miles since my last visit. The guy came out and talked me into buying a belt for $89.99.
Opinion: I feel so helpless when they come to talk to me about what I ''need''. They literally could tell me anything. If I say ''no'' it is based solely on the fact that I think they are trying to swindle me, but if I think that, why am I going there to begin with? My favorite is when they show me the dirt in the air filter. Wouldn't it be a greater concern if it were clean? Doesn't airflow within a grimy engine blow through this thing? Won't it always be dirty? Whatever, I don't know shit about cars so I have to basically determine your value as a person, not determine the needs of my car.
Fact: Danny Rouhier recently blogged about his most hated teams and didn't include the Duke Blue Devils.
Opinion: How completely irresponsible to not include the hands-down, most unconditionally despicable team at any sport on any level. I hate everything about this team. From their pompous, bandwagoning, finger-sandwich-eating fans to their AntiChrist, rat-faced, hypocrite of a coach to their blindeye-turning, overzealous-cheerleading, unfairly balanced media attention. Excluding Duke is like excluding Hitler on a ''not very nice people'' list.
Fact: I went to see The Who yesterday at the Virgin Festival at Pimlico. They went on second to last with the Red Hot Chili Peppers closing the show.
Fact: Here are some clips of me saying ''What's the matter with me?!'' and ''Shut the fuck up!''. At Rendezvous this past Wednesday some girl said something from the audience. I immediately said, ''Shut the fuck up'' and gave Jay Hastings a knowing look.
Opinion: I have now heard the 4th impersonation of me from my comedic brethren. This week Mickey Cucchiella was doing an impersonation of me gushing over Jake Johansson. They all make me laugh, but I have yet to hear one I think sounds even remotely like me. They are very flattering. Apparently I constantly twitch, speak directly from my nose and respond to every question with ''Shut the fuck up!''
Fact: I drafted Randy Moss in both of my Fantasy Football leagues this year.
Opinion: Randy Moss is a cancer. I don't care how much talent he has. I am an idiot for doing that. He'll have a game where he puts up 150 yards and 3 TD, then the next three weeks he won't do jack squat.
Fact: Star Wars reenactors called the Jedi Knights will be at the Crofton Library October 7th. My wife is planning to take my sons.
Opinion: Is this a good thing? The thought of them cheering on a 230 lbs Han Solo with manipulated PVC pipe spray painted black to resemble a laser gun makes me cringe. Hopefully, their Star Wars sheets will be off of their beds by High School.
May the Force be with you.
Opinion: How utterly ridiculous to have the RHCP follow The Who. Forget the promoters, why would the Chili Peppers agree to this? This is like having Bill Cosby feature for Bob Saget. Again, nothing against the Chili Peppers who are a fun band that put on a good show, but where's your sense of history, respect, reverence and rationality? This glaring error could not spoil what was the most amazing performance I have ever seen in person. They did a ten minute version of Eminence Front which would have even convinced Norm Wilkerson in the existence of a Higher Power. I saw a father with his son on his shoulders. I actually approached him and told him that he just won the ''Father of the Year Award'' as far as I was concerned. How would you like to have had your parents take you to go see the Beatles at Shea or have taken you to see Brooks Robinson or Wayne Gretzky play? It made me think how much I would have loved for my kids to have been there, been there to see Pete Townshend play the intro to Pinball Wizard or hear Daltrey sing ''Won't Get Fooled Again''. If they ever come around again, I promise you I won't make that mistake twice. For those of you who are reading this who didn't get a chance or didn't want to see these guys, I suggest you don't make that same mistake either.
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