A bunch has happened since my last blog. I am going to go in reverse chronologically. I'm not sure why I wrote that. Like anyone gives a shit about the order.
I spent last night at ''The'' Topaz and had a blast. It's interesting. On Thursday you can pay $30 at one of the big clubs to see three good comics or you can go to ''The'' Topaz and see some of this areas top locals (Last night Ryan Connor, Danny Rouhier and Jon Mumma were there) for free. Whatever, be slave to the two drink minimum.
There are two impersonations of me floating around. One, which is inaccurate, was created by Jon Mumma. This is where I ask a question of an audience member and when they answer I say, ''Shut the f**k up!''
For example:
''Hey, where you from?''
''Baltimore''
''Shut the f**k up.''
I have never done this, but it is funny nevertheless. It is also done in a very nasally, unflattering tone which is probably exactly what I sound like. I have never been complimented on the sweet sweet resonance of my own voice.
Now, Danny Rouhier has an impersonation of me which is very accurate. As many of you know, my interaction with the crowd can be a tad hateful. However, I always chastise myself to make me seem like less of an a-hole. Usually I say, ''What's the matter with me?'' or ''Why do I do that?'' after saying something horrific. When I do this I thrust my hands up in a sort of cradling position. I don't know if you can picture this, but I have a clip. Unfortunately, I don't know how to post it. I'll have my brother do it later.
Anyway, last night at ''The'' Topaz. I was able to work both of these into my set. I was essentially playing exclusively to The Mumma's and Ryan Connor, but had a pretty good set nonetheless. I actually said to someone,
''What's your name?''
''Phil''
''Shut the f**k up.''
I heard three people laughing very loudly. I love ''The'' Topaz and I love Curt Shackelford.
The highlight of the show, however, was a comic named ''Jolie''. She appeared to be in her early 50's and had gigantic breasts, but not in a good way. There was probably a point in her life that her breasts were magnificent. That time has long passed. She was wearing a backless shirt and she was spilling over the sides. Someone should really say something to her. Normally that person is me, but I am trying to turn over a new leaf. At any rate, when she got on stage the spotlight hit this outfit and she was basically standing there completely naked. It was so disgusting I was hypnotized. Jon got a picture of it, but is too dumb to know how to forward it from his phone. If anyone sees him ask to see the picture, it is his wallpaper.
One more thing, the emcee was some young kid I had never seen before. He used a prop in his act, a knife. Not a fake knife...A REAL knife. True I'm not a big fan of prop comics,
I spent last week at the DC Improv with Corey Holcomb. I thought he was hilarious. He was pretty misogynistic, but was a really gifted performer. Every show, 2/3rds of the audience would be howling and the other 1/3rd would be pissed off. I loved it. Aside from being a good comic he was a really cool guy. He probably would have been the coolest headliner I ever worked with if he bothered to find out my name, but he was always complimenting me from stage.
''There goes the host, that guy is a cool motherf**ker!''
I had good sets all week. I ripped the roof off that place on Saturday and Sunday, but I'm pretty sure no one from the club was watching.
I played in my home game two weeks ago and didn't cash. That really doesn't bother me, but how I lost does. I often talk about my friend Tim who I labeled the world's worst card player. The torch has been passed.
There were three players left. I had $3K in chips. My buddy Ken had about $10K and Uncle Mike (the villain in this story) had about $9K. They offered a split. There was $240 in prize pool to win and I had only $20 invested so I said, ''Let's play it out''. My cut would have only been about $30 and I was willing to risk that for a bigger cut. The blinds were $300/$600, but for the first hand there was no small blind. I pushed with A/7os and now have $3.6K. Now I'm on the button and I have Q/T and I push again. Ken thinks for a long time and folds. The moment Ken's cards hit the muck, Uncle Mike (the villain in this story) autocalls. Guess what he has?
but I was never afraid for my life watching Carrot Top.
This kid was actually pretty cool because after Jolie left the stage he walked up and said, ''You know we could see your nipples.''
